The Beginning of an End... Hopefully.

Today marks the 365th day since my last cigarette. They say that people who keep track religiously about how long since they last indulged in their addiction have a higher chance of relapsing, and I kind of agree. Ideally you need to reach a point where you do not even think about it anymore. A point where counting days do not matter anymore since you have completely gotten past that part of your life. A point which sadly, I am not at yet.

365 days is nothing. I know people who have stopped longer (years), only to relapse. My Dad for example is one.  And to be honest, if I were to start smoking again in the future, I could probably come up with a ton of excuses for myself. Hell, I already have a list of them in my mind that I have thought of over the past year.

I am my greatest enemy. I am weak. I know people who smokes occasionally, but never gets addicted. My Mum for example does occasionally light one up from my Dad’s pack just to unwind. (Shhh) There have even been a time or two in the past where I just sat in the living room smoking with her before she goes off to work. :p

But anyway, I am not sure I can do that. I am afraid that once I light a stick again, it will be the first of many more to come. Well, admitting one’s weakness is the first step to overcoming it isn’t it?

There is no one solution fits all when it comes to quitting an addiction. Everybody fights it differently. To me the simplest way to start is to exploit your own fears and weaknesses. If you are the type of person who don’t like to break promises, make a promise to someone to stop. If you are the type of person who don’t like to lose, make a bet with someone that you would stop. If you like numbers, start counting days. So on and so forth.

Here is something that really resonated with me when I first heard it on House of Cards.

“I’m Doug and I’m an alcoholic. One of the things I do for a living is count. I count votes. Yays, nays, neutrals, abstaining. And I’m good at it. But the most important count I do has nothing to do with work. It’s the number of days since April 4th, 1999. As of this morning that’s 5,185. The bigger that number gets, the more it frightens me because I know all it takes is one drink for that number to go back to zero. Most people see fear as a weakness. It can be. Sometimes for my job I have to put fear in other people. I know that’s not right. But if I’m honest, like the fourth step asks us to be, I have to be ruthless. Because failure is not an option. The same goes for my sobriety. I have to be ruthless with myself. I have to use my fear. It makes me stronger. Like everyone else in this room, I can’t control who I am. But I can control the zero. Fuck the zero.”

But those of you who watches the show probably know what happened eventually…

This method probably would not work forever for me, but it is a start. Right now I am just taking things as I go along. But the fact that I care enough to blog about it probably means I am still far from actually stopping for good. :p

So this is not the end of an addiction. This is but the beginning of an end. An end that would hopefully come.